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Dear John...
"Faith in humanity....dwindling."
THE "DEAR JOHN" COLUMN NEEDS YOUR LETTERS
Citizens of Hell are invited to send their letters or emails asking advice to our special columnist John, who will be answering select questions weekly in The Daily Pitchfork. All submissions are anonymous although any information on activity of a criminal nature will of course be passed on to the police.
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Dear John,
my usual torturer has been giving me the cold shoulder. Last week he left me in an empty room for half an hour. I did hate it, but it hardly seems worth my time.
I don't want to report him and he gives no fucks about what I put in the "Rate your torture" questionnaire. Any idea how I could convince him to put more oomph into it?
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Dear John,
I recently moved back in with my parents, after my apartment turned into a piece of shit, and they won't stop flirting with each other. They do it all the time! Whenever I walk in the kitchen my dad pulls my mom's hair. He holds on to it even when they go into the living room. They're always arguing with each other. Sometimes it's goes on, until late at night and I can't sleep. My dad threw something at my mom the other day and the look in their eyes was gross!
The worst part they do this in front of me.
How can I get my parents to stop flirting?
I'm sorry, I couldn't help this
Dear John,
I've got to share my place with my loud ass housemate. He annoying as fuck and loud as hell. My roommate sings in the god damn shower. It sounds like someone's running over a cat with a lawnmower. I tell him to shut the fuck up and he never does. Not even when I throw shit at him. He also sheds all over. There is always long ass hair in the drain. It's super nasty.
And now, this dumb bratty kid's moved in too. I mean we used to live together all the damn time, but I thought he was old enough to make his own little kingdom instead of lazing his ass around in mine. He's always taking the kitchen knives and stabbing shit with them. Those are MY knives to stab shit with!
So my question is what color should our drapes be?
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Dear John,
Ever since I came to this place, I've been unable to truly enjoy anything. Everyone else seems to enjoy or at least cope with being in hell, but it seems that I can't. Sometimes I feel like I'm sinking in depression. What can I do?
P.S. Before you give me the advice of suicide, we are in hell. That is pointless. Also, how do you think I got here?
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Dear John,
I've been in Little Hades for at least four years, and I feel like I've seen everything there is to see and and done almost everything there is to do legally in this town. How do I spice things up without breaking the law?
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Dearest John,
I'm trying to get my friend's attention, but they just don't seem to realise I exist. They're too busy with their other friends to pay any attention to little old me.
I would kill them but you know, that's naughty.
Incapacitating them should work, what do you think?
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Dear John,
my boss threw a giant
titinfantfit after the recent launch of FLAMR when he discovered that I had a profile. After insisting he didn't care whether or not I use the app, he accused me of "smearing ass all over Hellnet" and "slutting around" WHICH I DID NOT DO, proceeded to list a bunch of nobodies he was gonna fuck, and almost set our house on fire.What the fuck?
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Dear John,
I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. There's someone in my life and they've pretty much always been there. And the idea of them not being there pisses me off. I say I don't care but I think I do and fuck if I know what to do about it. I'm torn between chaining him to a wall somewhere or just letting him do what he wants because I could care less what that bastard does.
So I'm wondering, would carpet or hardwood make better flooring in the living area?
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Dear John,
There's a girl I like. We're good friends and I'm thinking of asking her out. The problem is I'm pretty sure she deserves better. We're both demons but she's a good person and I'm not. I've done some really bad things. I'm talking capital crimes (not committed in hell so you don't need to notify the police). I don't think she'd forgive me if she knew. She probably wouldn't want to see me again. I'm not sure what to do.
Got any advice for me?
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Dear John,
Any tips on getting on with family after you haven't seen your children for a few years? Things are a little tense.
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Recently, I had a really weird fling with someone. Don't get me wrong, he was pretty decent in the sack, physically. Attentive, tuned in to my needs... Trouble is, he was TOO tuned in. He kept talking during sex, which is fine and all, but the way he did it was super weird. It sounded like I was some specimen, and he was making deductions about me. The British accent was nice, but otherwise, it was totally creepy. Also, I think he was a heroin addict. I mean, I'm not sure, but he had this big coat on, and I thought I saw some needles in his pocket before he took it off. Gross!
My problem is, I think he liked it so much that he might call me back. How do I tell him I'm not interested? He gives off this weird stalkerish vibe, and I don't wanna set him off. (I don't even remember telling him my phone number the first time!) Help, please?
Signed,
Just Terrified
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Try telling him to piss off. That seems nice and clear.
We will not be posting your question in the column as it contains inappropriate sexual content. Sorry.
- John
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Dear John,
nothing's been the same since our only kid moved out of town. While the new and improved privacy is nice, we fight more than usual. It's like he's deliberately trying to piss me off. I'm definitely not putting up with this shit for eternity.
So, you have any ideas for tracking someone down in all of Hell?
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My fondest and bestest dreams have come true and me and my ever-loving sweetheart have been reunited in the pretty flames of Hellfire. It's just like a second honey-moon! ...Except we've never actually gotten hitched. How can I convince my boyfriend that now is the perfect time to finally put a ring on it? Do I hog-tie him and take him to the nearest Satanic Chapel O' Love or play coy and tell him I've just come into a few million Dracos? ;) ;) ;)
Kisses,
Second Chance @ Love